Selfish Selflessness
How asking for what you need gets you what you want
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Humans are sensitive creatures. None of us like to be told what to do, or be put on the defensive.
Yet we have a societal tendency to assign others responsibility, and blame them for our own problems.
These simple observations give a paradoxical twist to creating communication that actually works:
Rather than focus on others, selfishly shift attention to your own emotions and behaviors.
Describe exactly how you feel, and express precisely what you want and expect from them.
That technique makes you vulnerable, thereby calming others and opening them up, too.
And by candidly sharing your desires, the uncertainty is removed and with it all the fear.
Never once do you need to provoke, attack, or accuse. Instead you emote, reveal, and share.
The result turns an adversary into a friend, a friend into an ally. People eagerly help those who ask for it.
Relationships in all forms require ongoing maintenance. The tune ups need not be unpleasant.
Quite the opposite, the best realignments bring people even closer together, take things to a new level.
So the next time you feel wronged or neglected, channel the frustration into outreach.
Remind your family member, coworker, or lover how much you care by honestly sharing your own pain.
And after you let it all out, don’t hesitate to ask them for what you need and want from them.
I, I, I… Me, me, me… Yes, the best and most effective communication is all about you.
By staying true to you and leaving them out of it, you’ll be amazed by their eager responsiveness.
That’s because you haven’t blamed them or told them what to do. Rather, you’ve simply asked for their help.
Helping other people makes us feel good about ourselves. And who doesn’t love that?
Radical candor works best when directed inward. Take yourself apart, encourage others to put you back together.
Give it a whirl. You’ll never feel better about being selfish, nor get better results with those closest to you.
