Long Island Railroad Climate Change
Still more unsolicited old school advice as we wait for the 5:33am train into NYC…
Ninth in a series of conversations I had with Tom da Lung Eyelund Carpenta as we waited for our early morning commute into Manhattan…
“Looks like da Blizzerd a Two-Oh-Two-Tree has struck, Son! Duck an cover, muddafucka! A foot a snow is nuttin. Back in da day, two, tree years ago we got blasted like dis ever week, da snow often accumulatin inta drifts taller den yer bald, unibrowed head.
Dis time dey predicated fourteen inches wid Sandy-like gusts a sixy em-pee-aych winds, so I figgers fuck dis, we’s gonna get buried in da snow wid da power goin out, too. Great chance ta kick back an watch da game.
No such luck, snow was heavy, but da winds light, power still on, fer fuck’s sakes, no help from da Lung Eyelund Power Autority, dey can kiss my ice cold freezin ass.
Meanwhiles, sure enough out comes da snow blower Sunday mornin, monster two-stroker, knowin I need ta occasionly impress da missus. Nuttin gets her more moist den doin chores, dat’s a factoid.
Widdout breakin a sweat, I was done in turdy minutes wid plenty a time ta spare dis weekend ta make snow men fer junior, usin my weed pipe fer a nose, don’ tell da wife.
Instead, all I’s did was listen to her complain bout her insomnia until I had insomnia. Neider one possible ta ignore, tree o’clock in da mornin watchin da wedder channel just ta drown her out, both a dem inaccurate but at least I can change da wedder channel, know what I’m sayin?
Now she’s into dis TV show called “Da Walkin Dead” bout dese zombies taken over Georgia. Personly I tink dat part a da country is already inhabituated by da undead, makin da show redundant.
But not my wife, no no no. I mean Jesus H. Christ she already suffers from anxiety an panic attacks, so why she inta watchin dead people comin back ta life ta eat yer brains an take ova our cities, even da ones we don’t want?
Makes no sense, specially since she neva even goes inta Manhattan, New York City freakin her out fer chrissakes, even dough she was born and grew up no more dan twenny clicks from Times Square.
Talk about a townie! Getting stuck in traffic is enough ta induce hysterical outbursts in her dat force us right back here ta Carle Place, NASA County, Lung Eyelund, center a da known world, no place I’d radder be ‘cept anywhere else.
So what does she do when da show is ova? A course she curls up in da fetal position on da couch, tellin me she’s utterly terrified, only ta grab da remote an binge watch every damn episode a da zombie apoclypse TV show until her eyeballs fall out a deir sockets and land in me whiskey sour an seltzer. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Down is up an up is down, Son, in me paradoxicalated household. Seems a relaxin evenin for da missus causes a nervous breakdown, while watchin Armageddin chills her the fuck out. Can youse explain dat backasswards chick psycholgy ta me, please? I’ll give ya a fucken medal.
Lucky our five-turdy-tree train is here, or she’d ask me to go buy da groceries, too. Have a nice fucken day, an try not ta freeze yer ass off.”
More Tom, this time while hanging with Mike again…
