Long Island Landscaping
The amazing conversations continue as I try to make sense of the sudden destruction of my lawn
Twenty-seventh in a series of conversations I had with Long Islanders, this one taking place on the phone with my landlord after I got home to find the gorgeous willow tree in our front yard chopped down, crushed potted plants strewn across the sidewalk, and the rest of our landscaping trampled in front of the sawdust covered front windows:
Mookie: Hello, Vinny? Vinny Piccola?
Vinny: Who-a is dis?
Mookie: It’s Mike, your tenant from the Mitchell Street house.
Vinny: Hiya Mike-a, how-a are ya?
Mookie: Bad.
Vinny: Great!
Mookie: What happened to the beautiful tree?
Vinny: Tree? Wha tree?
Mookie: The beautiful one that was in front of the house.
Vinny: House-a? What-a you talkin about-a?
Mookie: The house, Vinny. Your house. The one I rent from you, and live in.
Vinny: House-a?
Mookie: The house that I rent from you.
Vinny: You like-a house! House good-a! House-a no leak-a in the sink-a!
Mookie: The tree, Vinny. The enormous, gorgeous tree that was in front of the house. What happened to the enormous, gorgeous tree, Vinny?
Vinny: Leafs got on da neighba car-a.
Mookie: What?
Vinny: House good-a! I’m glad you like-a da house-a!
Mookie: That’s why you chopped down a hundred-year-old, enormous, gorgeous willow tree? Because its leaves covered the neighbor’s car?
Vinny: Leafs got on da neighba car-a!
Mookie: You chopped it down without even bothering to tell me? So of course our windows were still open, and now sawdust is all over the living room and kitchen.
Vinny: No more leafs on da neighba car-a.
Mookie: Yeah, no more leafs. No more potted plants, either, because they got all shattered during the tree removal.
Vinny: Yeah.
Mookie: That’s it?
Vinny: Tree too big-a! Tree come down-a!
Mookie: Why didn’t you tell me, Vinny? Why didn’t you at least call me to tell me that you were going to chop down the enormous, gorgeous tree in front of the house? The sawdust getting into the living room and kitchen, the flowered pots we set out all shattered?
Vinny: Tree fall down-a. Tree all break-a. Flower got-a crush-a.
Mookie: We could have at least moved those pots, Vinny. We could have at least closed the fucking windows.
Vinny: The tree-a! Tree-a too big-a!
Mookie: I really liked that tree, Vinny. We all liked that tree. The enormous, gorgeous tree was a big part of the whole neighborhood scene. The enormous, gorgeous tree not only looked ancient, wise, and majestic, but it made the house cozy by providing lovely shade. The enormous, gorgeous tree gave the place wonderful character.
Vinny: Good night-a, Mike-a! Call if you need-a da sink fix-a! Bye-bye-a!
Mookie: What the actual fuck-a.
The Long Island stories continue…
