“Leave me alone, I’m the son of Saddam Hussein!”
How I’m protecting myself from brutal terrorists & American liberals
I’m the first generation American son of Holocaust-surviving Hungarian Jewish parents. Mobs are now storming airports. Millions of protesters are on the streets. Antisemitism is on the rise globally. Time for precautions.
Hamas’ explicit mission of wiping Israel off the map isn’t helping, nor is the American Left’s habit of hating everyone white and successful, and unconditionally supporting everyone POC and impoverished.
Making matters even worse is the IDFs relentless and reckless bombing of Gaza, Israel’s leaders throwing their hands up in the air every time a thousand Palestinian kids are killed, like nothing else can be done.
With both sides believing in collective punishment, and liberals defending savages who would just as zealously behead, burn, and gang rape them as they already did more than 1,400 Israelis, I had to think of something.
Luckily, my father’s stunning resemblance to the Iraqi dictator is coming in handy. I’ve printed several copies of family photos to tuck into my passport and display on signs, and post them at the top of all my social media feeds.
A deadringer for Saddam, commonalities became evident when pictures of the vile tyrant were plastered across the headlines of newspapers prior to the first Iraq war in 1991. Friends asked: “Why is your dad in the Times?”
Jet black hair, thick black moustache, black caterpillar eyebrows, shady complexion, flat ovoid face, that’s him — either Laszlo Spitz of Budapest, Hungary, or Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti, you choose.
Behavioral similarities also abound, further reinforcing the connection. Both Laszlo and Saddam were authoritarian narcissists, raged when they didn’t get what they wanted, and blamed everyone else for their problems.
So go ahead, Israel, further stoke the already blazing blowtorch of international antisemitism by bombing the living shit out of Gaza and killing thousands of Palestinian men, women, and children.
And you, too, Hamas, keep building tunnels instead of schools, attacking Israel instead of making peace, and using human shields comprised of civilians your election in 2006 and civil war a year later were meant to save.
Meanwhile I’m going to claim that I’m the son of Saddam Hussein, thereby camouflaging my identity against Jew-haters, anti-Zionists, and American transgendered university professors whom Hamas would burn alive.
So please spread the word for me! If questioned, rest assured that I have a mountain of evidence to substantiate my blood line back to Saddam. For example, here’s me and the Butcher of Baghdad chillin’ in a hot tub:
I appreciate your help spreading the word. Israel is expanding their invasion into what will become a major offensive, the war will get worse, the threat of escalation into a regional and even global conflict rising.
Regardless what happens, I should be OK. And I have my father, Saddam Hussein, to thank! If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. And if you can’t join ’em, then pretend you’re someone you’re not when everyone is going crazy.
