Israel-Hamas War Ends! New Palestinian State Created in Sinai!
Arab countries unite to finally help the Palestinians
Rafa Crossing, Gaza — Egypt has opened its borders and now provides safe haven to all Palestinian civilians who wish to flee the worsening war.
Located a few kilometers east of Arish and along the coast at the northern tip of Sinai, the new Palestinian homeland is already greeting refugees.
The mass migration and resettlement is possible through a deal brokered by numerous Arab countries that up to now have done absolutely nothing.
Saudi Arabia, the UAE, and others — along with their Shia enemies in Iran and Syria — have finally joined forces to actually help the Palestinians.
Loaded with trillions in oil revenue, with thousands of square kilometers of available land, the Arab nations have shrugged and said: “Oh, alllll right.”
So far hesitant to do more for the Palestinians than provide a trickle of aid while using them as a hedge against Israel, the Arab world has relented.
“Most of our citizens are sympathetic to the Palestinians,” Arab leaders agree, “but nobody wants them. Look at what happened in Lebanon...”
Qatar, sponsors of both terror and soccer, continues to play both sides. “Hamas leadership can stay in Doha. We don’t trust Cairo, either.”
Egypt, the last hold-out, only reluctantly agreed to the deal and remains skeptical. “We’re not just getting Palestinians, we’re also getting Hamas.”
Sure enough, as the IDF has laid siege to North Gaza and now invades the South, Hamas militants have assimilated into the civilian population.
“Al Aqsa Storm was launched to trigger the Israelis to attack Gaza like never before,” said a militant. “We succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.”
With dead and wounded Palestinian children streaming on every social media feed across the planet, Hamas has already won the information war.
“We were hoping for months of brutal urban combat throughout Gaza,” he continues, “but it’s now easier to continue fighting against Israel in Egypt.”
And none too soon, because Israel remains hellbent on killing each and every member of Hamas — no matter the cost to Palestinian civilians.
Israeli officials concur. “Netanyahu supported Hamas over the Palestinian Authority to preclude a Two-State Solution, now less likely than ever.”
“With most of our defense forces stationed in the West Bank to protect illegal settlements,” he goes on, “we were caught off guard near Gaza.”
“But the good news is we can ‘mow the lawn’ to last a generation. We set out to get rid of Hamas. Now we’re getting rid of the Palestinians, too. Booyah.”
The Biden administration, unequivocally showing their support for Israel while bashing the IDF’s callous recklessness, is relieved but wary.
“If Houthi rebels keep attacking our ships,” a senior Pentagon official says, “and Iraq gets restless again, we might find ourselves in another futile war.”
Meanwhile, the new homeland will solve nothing. “As long as Israel and the Palestinians don’t talk,” smirks a pundit, “cycles of violence will continue.”
“Doesn’t matter anyway,” interrupts the writer of this fake press release. “Egypt will never let the Palestinians in, and Arab countries will let them suffer. Why?”
“Nothing unifies Arabs more than their hatred of Jews and Israel. And nothing makes the world hate Jews more than their killing of Palestinian civilians.”
Returning to our regularly scheduled programming, Palestinian casualties continue to mount as the IDF predictably goes all-in throughout Gaza.
The threat of expansion to a multifront war continues, while global anti-Israeli, anti-US, and antisemitic seniments exponentially increase.
In addition to Hamas, big winners so far also include Vladimir Putin (“Ukraine War? What Ukraine War?”), China, and North Korea.
If all this sounds crazy, that’s because it is crazy. Tribalism helped pre-civilized humans survive, yet now drives us to our own extinction.
Merry Christmas, Everyone!