Act 1: “Mr. Lawrence, the Sky’s Gone Out!”
A satire of corporate America in three acts
Background
I love the theatre, the visceral human energy of actors performing live to an audience in the same physical space, sharing a dramatic story where compelling characters struggle against obstacles to accomplish their goals.
As a theatre critic in Chicago, I had the privilege and pleasure of seeing and reviewing hundreds of plays, everything from touring Broadway shows to independent productions, experimental works to “performance art”.
And as a writer, I’m a strong believer that being a playwright and screenwriter are vital ingredients to mastering the scrivener craft. Learning how to structure a story and write dialogue are foundational.
Practicing what I preach, I’ve written many plays and screenplays over the years, covering a gamut of styles, genres, and themes, from political comedies to murder mysteries, bar brawls to science fiction thrillers.
Here I’m delighted to share a corporate satire, apropos written while at a corporate job back in 2007. Rereading and posting it now, I see the influences of Ionesco and Pinter, with dashes of Stoppard and Albee.
The title comes from the third Bauhaus album, the themes, banter, and absurdity projections of my own experiences working in a company where the bullshit was almost as thick as the abuse. Writing was a huge catharsis.
Rereading this dusted off gem, I’m saddened by its continued relevance. Orwell did a masterful job describing “Newspeak” in his seminal 1984— consider this play a showcase of contemporary American “Corpspeak”.
Although Medium is ostensibly a blogging platform, I figure what the hell, might as well post short stories and plays, too. Great to dust these off, get them back out into the world. I welcome spidering, AIing, and comments.
Far as the plays go, the dialogue stretches them into extra long formats, encouraging publishing each act as a separate post. To help interested readers navigate, I’ve embedded links to the next act as appropriate. Enjoy!
Here goes…
“Mr. Lawrence, the Sky’s Gone Out!”
A Corporate Comedy in Three Acts
WGA# 1221397
Teaser Quotes
So the question is, do corporate executives, provided they stay within the law, have responsibilities in their business activities other than to make as much money as possible? And my answer to that is, no they do not.
— Milton Friedman, Nobel Prize winning economist
Any consideration of the modern corporate man begins and ends with the effect of one all-embracing force: organization — It is to this, at the expense of family, friends, sex, recreation and sometimes health and effective control of alcoholic intake, that he is expected to devote his energies.
— John Kenneth Galbraith, Nobel Prize winning economist
I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tuna fish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock.
— Barbara Grizutti Harrison, travel writer
Synopsis
“Mr. Lawrence, the Sky’s Gone Out!” is something like The Office meets The Twilight Zone in a skyscraper, as incompetent corporate executives and their mistreated staff struggle to turn their business and the sky back on.
Setting
The play takes place entirely in a high-rise corporate office, with two principal locations: Mr. Lawrence’s office, and Ms. Flurry’s reception area. A brief intermission could fit between Acts II and III.
Characters
Seven characters total. Gender and approximate age for all characters except JACK (see below) are the only important casting criteria:
MR. LAWRENCE, Founder & CEO, a man in his early 50s
MR. EDWARDS, VP of Sales, a man in his mid-40s
MR. STEVENS, business consultant, a man around 40
MR. PETERS, temporary file clerk, a man in his early 20s
MS. ROBERTS, business consultant, a woman in her late 30s
MS. FLURRY, receptionist, a woman in her late 30s
JACK, just visiting, of unspecified age and appearance
Staging
An American high-rise corporate office.
1) Stage right is Mr. Lawrence’s office.
2) Stage left is Ms. Flurry’s reception area.
Mr. Lawrence’s office should have at minimum an executive chair and large desk, with two chairs facing it.
The reception area should at minimum have a smaller desk with a large sign above it, emblazoned with the company name and red logo: “RED SWELLING, LP.” Two closed doors should face the audience and lead backstage: an elevator door (with appropriate buttons and “up”/”down” arrows), and a stairway door (with an “EXIT” sign). A third closed door exits stage left.
Both Mr. Lawrence’s office and the reception area should have a sky blue illuminated backdrop, depicting the high-rise city view through large windows to a bright sunny day outside.
Act 1
Scene 1
FADE IN to Mr. Lawrence’s office only:
MR. LAWRENCE sits at his desk in his office. His telephone rings. One ring, two…
FADE IN to Ms. Flurry’s reception area:
MS. FLURRY sits at her desk in the reception area, holding the phone to her ear. MR. STEVENS, holding a laptop computer, stands by her desk.
Mr. Lawrence’s phone continues to ring. Five, six… MR. LAWRENCE finally picks it up.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes?
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
Not now.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
Not now.
MS. FLURRY
I’m sorry. Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
I said —
MS. FLURRY
— Mr. Stevens is here to see you.
MR. LAWRENCE
Mr. Stevens?
MS. FLURRY
Yes.
MR. LAWRENCE
Mr. Stevens? What about him?
MS. FLURRY
He’s here to see you.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes. Mr. Stevens. Tell Mr. Stevens I’m busy.
MR. LAWRENCE hangs up.
MS. FLURRY stands and walks to the closed door of Mr. Lawrence’s office. MS. FLURRY opens the door without knocking and walks inside, facing MR. LAWRENCE.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
Slight pause.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes?
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Stevens says that it’s important.
Slight pause.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Law —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Tell Mr. Stevens that I’m —
MS. FLURRY
— Mr. Stevens says that it’s important. Mr. Stevens says that it’s about “Making Things Astonishing”.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Send him in.
MS. FLURRY exits and returns to reception area.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence will see you now.
MR. STEVENS
Thank you.
MR. STEVENS enters Mr. Lawrence’s office, closing the door behind him.
FADE OUT on Ms. Flurry’s reception area.
MR. LAWRENCE stands.
MR. LAWRENCE
Mr. Stevens, a pleasure.
MR. STEVENS shakes hands with MR. LAWRENCE.
MR. STEVENS
All mine, Mr. Lawrence.
MR. LAWRENCE gestures to one of the chairs in front of his desk.
They both sit.
MR. LAWRENCE
Welcome to Red Swelling, LP.
MR. STEVENS
Thank you, sir. It’s great to be back.
MR. LAWRENCE
I’d like you to know that we’re all about values here.
MR. STEVENS
That’s what initially attracted us to your company, sir.
MR. LAWRENCE
Values like ethics. Personal integrity. Honesty.
MR. STEVENS
Honesty, integrity, eth —
MR. LAWRENCE
— In fact, our mission, vision, and values are our company’s guiding principles, the DNA from which we approach every business decision.
MR. STEVENS
Every decision, yes sir.
MR. LAWRENCE
But that’s not all.
MR. STEVENS
No, sir, it’s not.
MR. LAWRENCE
That’s just the beginning.
MR. STEVENS
The beginning, that’s definitely the start.
MR. LAWRENCE
We’re all about empowerment.
MR. STEVENS
And that’s —
MR. LAWRENCE
— We’re all about listening.
MR. STEVENS
Yes, we —
MR. LAWRENCE
— We’re all about passion.
MR. STEVENS
Which is why —
MR. LAWRENCE
— We’re all about “Making Things Astonishing”!
MR. STEVENS
Good phrase. Excellent, excellent phrase, sir.
MR. LAWRENCE
We’re all about “Making Things Astonishing” for our customers, sales associates, and coworkers.
MR. STEVENS
So that —
MR. LAWRENCE
— We’re all about “Making Things Astonishing” so that we can provide a level of service excellence that will exceed our customers’ expectations by aligning our people, processes, and technologies to bring out the core competencies of our employees whose unique strengths have been discovered, and their full potential realized.
Slight pause.
MR. STEVENS
Yes.
MR. LAWRENCE
Their unique strengths, mind you, not their weaknesses, not the things they do wrong or don’t know how to do or can’t do or won’t do because they’re ignorant and stupid and lazy.
MR. STEVENS
Hmm.
MR. LAWRENCE
We’re not about that, we’re not about correcting those weaknesses, fixing their faults, no matter how calamitous or ingrained or hopeless.
MR. STEVENS
Uh, we —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Instead we’re all about bringing out the very best in people who otherwise don’t have a clue. And we do that through values, and empowerment, and listening, and tapping into creativity.
MR. STEVENS
“Creativity” —
MR. LAWRENCE
— That leads to trust, which will make our customers confident in us, which will make them loyal, which will make them feel passionate about us, which will eventually make them love us.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Right?
Slight pause.
MR. STEVENS
Absolutely.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
We’ve been different from Day One.
MR. STEVENS
The first day.
MR. LAWRENCE
We had to be.
MR. STEVENS
You were.
MR. LAWRENCE
We still are.
MR. STEVENS
“Totally unique.”
MR. LAWRENCE
We’re not like everybody else.
MR. STEVENS
Not at all.
MR. LAWRENCE
We welcome new ideas. We encourage feedback. We create synergies. That’s in our principles, that’s in our path. We play ball as a team.
MR. STEVENS
Uh huh.
MR. LAWRENCE
Team spirit drives us. Team spirit binds us. Team spirit brings our whole company together.
MR. STEVENS
It’s all about “community”.
MR. LAWRENCE
No ass kissing here.
MR. STEVENS
No sir, absolutely not.
MR. LAWRENCE
We accept criticism. We welcome it!
MR. STEVENS
Yes, sir!
MR. LAWRENCE
Tell me something.
MR. STEVENS
Sir?
MR. LAWRENCE
Tell me anything.
MR. STEVENS
Well, I —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Express yourself candidly and without any reservation. I can handle it. It won’t faze me. It’ll make me grow professionally and as a person.
Silence.
MR. LAWRENCE
As a human being.
Silence.
MR. LAWRENCE
As this company’s Founder & CEO.
Silence.
MR. LAWRENCE
As a professional who welcomes the ideas of others.
Extra long pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
“Community”.
MR. STEVENS
“Passion”.
MR. LAWRENCE
“Creativity”! “Confidence”! “Loyalty”! “Trust”! “Love”!
MR. STEVENS
Yes!
MR. LAWRENCE
“Making Things Astonishing”!
MR. STEVENS
Yes! We figured that you would like that phrase —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Have you discovered your strengths?
MR. STEVEN
Sir?
MR. LAWRENCE
Your strengths. Do you know your unique strengths?
MR. STEVENS
My strengths?
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes. Are you a “communicator”? Are you a “thinker”? Do you “relate” with people? Do you relate without people? Are you organized? Are you disorganized?
MR. STEVENS
I, uh, I —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Do you like your job? Do you know what’s expected of you? Do you know what’s not expected of you? Do you know what’s good for you?
Slight pause.
MR. STEVENS
I think I’m a good consultant.
MR. LAWRENCE
Do you? Why do you think that?
MR. STEVENS
Because you seem to like our ideas.
MR. LAWRENCE
Which ideas?
MR. STEVENS
The ones you’ve just more-or-less expounded.
MR. LAWRENCE
“Expounded”?
MR. STEVENS
Yes. You seem to like the ideas we presented to you.
MR. LAWRENCE
Which ideas?
MR. STEVENS
Ideas about personal empowerment and discovering individual strengths. Ideas about trust. About confidence and loyalty. About listening and love. About tolerance and teamwork. The ideas that make up our “Making Things Astonishing” customer experience branding campaign.
Long pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Get out of my office.
MR. STEVENS
Sir?
MR. LAWRENCE
Get the hell out of my office.
MR. STEVENS
I don’t understand.
MR. LAWRENCE
You’re fired.
MR. STEVENS
Sir?
MR. LAWRENCE
I’m through with you and your, your, your “agency”.
Pause.
MR. STEVENS
Did I say something?
MR. LAWRENCE
I’ve lost all confidence in you. Go.
MR. STEVENS
How can I fix this?
MR. LAWRENCE
I said get out. Go!
MR. STEVENS stands up, looks at MR. LAWRENCE, then turns and heads for the door. MR. STEVENS opens the door, then stops and turns back to face MR. LAWRENCE.
MR. STEVENS
Does this mean you don’t want to see Phase II of “Making Things Astonishing”?
MR. LAWRENCE
Phase II? Which Phase II?
MR. STEVENS
We were going to introduce Phase II today.
MR. LAWRENCE
Phase II? Of what?
MR. STEVENS
Phase II of the “Making Things Astonishing” campaign.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
I was expecting Phase II. What happened to Phase II?
MR. STEVENS
Presented today. Our consulting firm. At this meeting. Here. Now.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Are you sure?
MR. STEVENS
Absolutely sure.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Sit down.
MR. STEVENS
Sir?
MR. LAWRENCE
I said sit down.
MR. STEVENS closes the door, returns to his chair, and sits back down.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
All right. What have you got for me?
MR. STEVENS opens his laptop computer. Mr. Lawrence’s phone rings. One ring, two…
Scene 2
FADE IN on Ms. Flurry’s reception area.
MS. FLURRY, at her desk in the reception area, holds the phone to her ear. MR. EDWARDS, holding his own laptop computer, stands by her desk.
Mr. Lawrence’s phone continues to ring. Five, six… MR. LAWRENCE finally picks it up.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes?
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
Not now.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
Not now.
MS. FLURRY
I’m sorry. Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
I said —
MS. FLURRY
— Mr. Edwards is here to see you.
MR. LAWRENCE
Mr. Edwards?
MS. FLURRY
Yes.
MR. LAWRENCE
Mr. Edwards? What about him?
MS. FLURRY
He’s here to see you.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes. Mr. Edwards. Tell Mr. Edwards I’m busy.
MR. LAWRENCE hangs up.
MS. FLURRY stands and walks to the closed door of Mr. Lawrence’s office. MS. FLURRY opens the door without knocking and walks inside, facing MR. LAWRENCE.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
Slight pause.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes?
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Edwards says that it’s important.
Slight pause.
MS. FLURRY|
Mr. Law —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Tell Mr. Edwards that I’m —
MS. FLURRY
— Mr. Edwards says that it’s important. Mr. Edwards says that it’s about “Making Things Astonishing”.
MR. STEVENS looks at MS. FLURRY. MR. LAWRENCE looks at MR. STEVENS.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Send him in.
MS. FLURRY exits and returns to reception area.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence will see you now.
MR. EDWARDS
Thank you.
MR. EDWARDS enters and closes the door behind him.
FADE OUT on Ms. Flurry’s reception area.
MR. EDWARDS stands next to MR. STEVENS, who remains seated. MR. STEVENS looks up at MR. EDWARDS, then at MR. LAWRENCE.
MR. EDWARDS
Mr. Lawrence.
MR. LAWRENCE
Mr. Edwards.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
What have you got for me?
MR. EDWARDS gestures to MR. STEVENS. MR. LAWRENCE gestures “go ahead”.
MR. EDWARDS
The numbers are flat.
MR. LAWRENCE
The numbers? Which numbers?
MR. EDWARDS
The sales numbers.
MR. LAWRENCE
Sales? What about them?
MR. EDWARDS
Last quarter’s sales were flat.
MR. LAWRENCE
Flat?
MR. EDWARDS
The new campaign has made no impact.
MR. STEVENS
Now wait just a —
MR. LAWRENCE
— The new campaign?
MR. EDWARDS
The new campaign is useless.
MR. STEVENS
Which metrics are you basing that on?
MR. LAWRENCE
“Metrics”?
MR. EDWARDS
The new campaign has made no impact. The new campaign has negative ROI.
MR. STEVENS
Sir! If I may —
MR. LAWRENCE gestures “cut it”.
MR. LAWRENCE
Is that your opinion?
MR. EDWARDS
Those are the facts.
MR. STEVENS
Mr. Lawrence —
MR. LAWRENCE
(to MR. EDWARDS)
— As my Vice President of Sales, I don’t pay you for facts. I pay you for explanations.
MR. STEVENS
The metrics, his metrics —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Explain to me why my numbers are down.
MR. EDWARDS
They’re not down, sir, they’re flat.
MR. LAWRENCE
The numbers? The numbers are flat? Why? Why are the numbers flat?
MR. EDWARDS
Because the new marketing campaign stinks.
MR. LAWRENCE
It does?
MR. EDWARDS
Yes, sir, it does.
MR. STEVENS
I —
MR. EDWARDS
— The new campaign sucks.
MR. STEVENS
Mr. Lawrence! Allow me to —
MR. LAWRENCE
— It sucks, eh? Mr. Stevens, you heard the man. I didn’t want any facts, so I got an explanation instead. Now it’s your turn: Why does the new marketing campaign suck?
MR. STEVENS
Mr. Lawrence, if I may show you —
MR. LAWRENCE
— As my marketing consultant, I don’t pay you for demonstrations. I pay you for solutions.
MR. STEVENS
That’s exactly what the “Making Things Astonishing” campaign is, sir. It’s a solution, a complete customer experience branding solution. If I may —
MR. LAWRENCE gestures “cut it” again. MR. LAWRENCE sits back, rubs his chin, and nods contemplatively.
MR. LAWRENCE
I like that. I like that a lot. I like that because that’s what I like to hear. I wanted a “Complete Customer Experience Branding Solution,” and now you’re telling me that that’s exactly what I’ve got. Is that exactly what I’ve got?
MR. STEVENS
That’s what you’ve got. Exactly.
MR. LAWRENCE
You see? I can recognize a “Complete Customer Experience Branding Solution” when I see one.
MR. STEVENS
Yes, you, can.
MR. LAWRENCE
Is that what it is, Mr. Edwards? Have I finally gotten the kind of campaign I’ve paid good money to get?
MR. EDWARDS
Sir?
MR. LAWRENCE
“Yes” or “no”?
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
“Yes” or “no”?
Pause.
MR. EDWARDS
“Yes”.
MR. LAWRENCE
That’s exactly what I like to hear.
MR. EDWARDS turns and starts to exit, opening the office door. MR. EDWARDS stops at the door and turns.
MR. EDWARDS
Does this mean you don’t want to see second quarter’s projections?
MR. LAWRENCE
Projections? Which projections?
MR. EDWARDS
We were going to introduce the projections for next quarter.
MR. LAWRENCE
Which quarter?
MR. EDWARDS
Second quarter.
MR. LAWRENCE
Second quarter?
MR. EDWARDS
Yes. We were going to discuss managing our pipeline and future prospects.
MR. LAWRENCE
Manage our pipeline? Our prospects? Why?
MR. EDWARDS
To figure out how much money you could make. To figure out how you could make even more.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Are you sure?
MR. EDWARDS
Absolutely sure.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Sit down.
MR. EDWARDS
Sir?
MR. LAWRENCE
I said sit down.
MR. EDWARDS closes the office door and walks back to where he was standing. MR. EDWARDS looks at MR. STEVENS. MR. EDWARDS sits down in the second chair.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
All right. Give me what you’ve got.
MR. EDWARDS opens his laptop computer. Mr. LAWRENCE’S phone rings. One ring, two…
Scene 3
FADE IN on Ms. Flurry’s reception area.
MS. FLURRY, at her desk in the reception area, is holding the phone to her ear. MS. ROBERTS stands by her desk. Mr. Lawrence’s phone continues to ring. Five, six… MR. LAWRENCE finally picks it up.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes?
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
Not now.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
Not now.
MS. FLURRY
I’m sorry. Mr. Lawrence?
MR. LAWRENCE
I said —
MS. FLURRY
— Ms. Roberts is here to see you.
MR. LAWRENCE
Ms. Roberts?
MS. FLURRY
Yes.
MR. LAWRENCE
Ms. Roberts? What about her?
MS. FLURRY
She’s here to see you.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes. Ms. Roberts. Tell Ms. Roberts I’m busy.
MR. LAWRENCE hangs up.
MS. FLURRY stands and walks to the closed door of Mr. Lawrence’s office. MS. FLURRY opens the door without knocking and walks inside, facing MR. LAWRENCE.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
Slight pause.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence?
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes?
MS. FLURRY
Ms. Roberts says that it’s important.
Slight pause.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Law —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Tell Ms. Roberts that I’m —
MS. FLURRY
— Ms. Roberts says that it’s important.
MR. LAWRENCE
Tell Ms. Roberts that —
MS. FLURRY
— Ms. Roberts says that if you don’t see her immediately she will phone her attorney.
MS. FLURRY stares at MR. LAWRENCE.
Long pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Now that’s astonishing.
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS rushes past MS. FLURRY into Mr. Lawrence’s office. MR. EDWARDS and MR. STEVENS look quizzically at MS. ROBERTS. MR. LAWRENCE stands.
MR. LAWRENCE
Gentlemen — Ms. Flurry — This is Ms. Roberts, um, one of my business consultants.
MR. STEVENS
No kidding. (To MS. ROBERTS:) Which agency are you from?
MS. ROBERTS
I —
MR. LAWRENCE
— Another one of my business consultants. A special consultant. We have to consult. Right now.
MR. STEVENS and MR. EDWARDS look at MS. ROBERTS. MS. ROBERTS stares at MR. LAWRENCE.
MR. LAWRENCE
So, if you’ll excuse us…
MR. EDWARDS and MR. STEVENS awkwardly stand and then exit. MS. FLURRY stares at MR. LAWRENCE for a few moments, then at MS. ROBERTS, then exits.
FADE OUT on Ms. Flurry’s reception area.
MS. ROBERTS stands in front of the desk. MR. LAWRENCE, standing behind his desk, walks to the door and closes it. MR. LAWRENCE walks back around his desk and gestures.
MR. LAWRENCE
Have a seat.
MS. ROBERTS
I’d rather stand.
Long pause.
MR. LAWRENCE sits. MS. ROBERTS sits.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE leans forward. MS. ROBERTS leans forward.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
You know you mean a lot to me.
MS. ROBERTS
I do? Really?
MR. LAWRENCE
Really really.
MS. ROBERTS
How much? How much do I mean to you?
MR. LAWRENCE
A lot. A great deal.
MS. ROBERTS
Really.
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS
Do I mean more to you than her?
MR. LAWRENCE
Who?
MS. ROBERTS
You know. Her.
MR. LAWRENCE leans back. MS. ROBERTS leans back.
MR. LAWRENCE
My wife’s got nothing to do with this.
MS. ROBERTS
Not her.
MS. ROBERTS gestures to Ms. Flurry’s reception area.
MS. ROBERTS
Her.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
What about her?
MS. ROBERTS
I know all about you and Ms. Flurry.
MR. LAWRENCE
She’s just my personal assistant.
MS. ROBERTS
“Just” your “’personal’ assistant”?
MR. LAWRENCE
It’s not like that.
MS. ROBERTS
Then what’s it “like”?
MR. LAWRENCE
You’ve no right —
MS. ROBERTS
— I have every right. I know about you two, and I want you to decide. I want you to make a decision. I want you to choose between what she brings to the table, and what I bring to the table.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
I don’t like being told what to do. I’m in a position where I don’t have to listen to what other people tell me to do. I’m in a position where I tell other people what to do.
MS. ROBERTS
Is that it? Am I “other people” to you?
MR. LAWRENCE
It’s not like that.
MS. ROBERTS
Yeah? Well then what’s it “’like’”?
MR. LAWRENCE
I don’t mix business and pleasure.
MS. ROBERTS
You do it all the time.
MR. LAWRENCE
I find that very unkind.
MS. ROBERTS
You treat me just like you treat everybody else in your life.
MR. LAWRENCE
I find that deeply insulting.
MS. ROBERTS
Insulting? To who?
MR. LAWRENCE
As my friend, I don’t expect this kind of treatment from you. As my special friend, I expect you to, to, to…
Pause.
MS. ROBERTS
Do you know what your problem is?
MR. LAWRENCE
I don’t remember ever asking.
MS. ROBERTS
The best things in life are for free.
MR. LAWRENCE
Not in my experience.
MS. ROBERTS
Your problem is that you never commit to anything, so you’re never accountable. You never say what you mean, so people have no idea what you’re talking about. I think you genuinely have trouble expressing yourself, but you use even that to your advantage because you only feel safe when everyone is kept utterly clueless and spinning around you in a futile effort to please you.
MR. LAWRENCE
You should calm down and stop upsetting yourself.
MS. ROBERTS
And then when they fail to please you, which is impossible anyway, you abuse them until they can’t stand it any longer or you send them away, leaving room for the next victim to start it all over — again, and again, and again!
MS. ROBERTS sniffles, then starts to cry softly. MR. LAWRENCE hands her a tissue.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
What was that about an attorney?
MS. ROBERTS
Excuse me?
MR. LAWRENCE
I heard you mentioned something about calling one.
MS. ROBERTS
And?
MR. LAWRENCE
You know how I feel about lawyers.
MS. ROBERTS
How do you feel about me?
MR. LAWRENCE
What about you?
MS. ROBERTS
What about how I feel?
MR. LAWRENCE
How do you feel?
MS. ROBERTS
How do I feel?
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes.
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS
I feel neglected.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes.
MS. ROBERTS
I feel lonely.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes.
MS. ROBERTS
I feel like I have to fight for your time.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes.
MS. ROBERTS
I feel like a victim.
MR. LAWRENCE
Yes.
MS. ROBERTS
I feel like I’m just another one of your affairs.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Hmm.
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS
So I want you to decide. I want you to choose between her, and me. I want to hear an answer, a definitive answer, whether you want me or not, right here, right now.
MR. LAWRENCE
You want an answer?
MS. ROBERTS
Do you want me?
MR. LAWRENCE
Do I want you?
MS. ROBERTS
“Yes” or “no”.
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Well, in some cases, you know, frequently in business, but especially in pleasure, a “no” actually means “maybe,” and a “maybe” is really “yes”.
MS. ROBERTS
Thanks for that moment of clarity.
MR. LAWRENCE
You’re welcome.
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS
What’s it mean in this case, then?
MR. LAWRENCE
In this case it’s a “definite maybe”.
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS
Are you trying to be funny?
MR. LAWRENCE
Maybe.
MS. ROBERTS
Stop it!
MR. LAWRENCE
What is it? What do you want from me?
MS. ROBERTS
The truth. That’s all.
MR. LAWRENCE
Go for it. I’m like an open book.
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS
Do you want me?
MR. LAWRENCE
I already answered that question.
MS. ROBERTS
Really. Was that “maybe” as in “yes,” or “maybe” as in your usual “I’m-just-stringing- you-along-like-I-do-everybody-else-’maybe’”?
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
I’ll have to think about it.
MS. ROBERTS
Think about what?
MR. LAWRENCE
Are you the special girlfriend I’ve always wanted to have? Are you the extra special girlfriend I’ve worked so hard to get?
MS. ROBERTS
You tell me.
MR. LAWRENCE
When I have time. Now, if you don’t mind, I have decisions to make, a marketing campaign to implement, ideas to share. People are waiting for my leadership.
MS. ROBERTS stands with visible anger and frustration and walks to the door, but doesn’t open it. MS. ROBERTS turns.
MS. ROBERTS
Does this mean that we’re not going to Mazatlan?
MR. LAWRENCE
Mazatlan? What about it?
MS. ROBERTS
Our vacation.
MR. LAWRENCE
“Vacation”?
MS. ROBERTS
Yes, our holiday trip to Mexico.
MR. LAWRENCE
Which trip to Mexico?
MS. ROBERTS
You, and me. Vacationing in Mexico. This spring. Tennis. Scuba diving. Hotel…
Pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
We’re still on?
MS. ROBERTS
We were on, yes.
MR. LAWRENCE
You sure?
MS. ROBERTS
It’s basically up to you.
Slight pause.
MR. LAWRENCE
Come here.
MS. ROBERTS
Mmn?
MR. LAWRENCE
I said come here.
MS. ROBERTS walks to Mr. Lawrence’s desk and sits down on it, facing MR. LAWRENCE. MR. LAWRENCE puts an arm around MS. ROBERTS.
MR. LAWRENCE
You know I always like what you have for me…
MR. LAWRENCE and MS. ROBERTS passionately embrace and start kissing. Sustain kiss for a few moments.
A C-major chord suddenly rings out (any instrument would do). Sky blue backdrop suddenly BLACKS OUT. C-major chord suddenly stops. A moment later the standard office lights are also suddenly OUT.
Long pause in TOTAL SILENCE and DARKNESS.
EMERGENCY LIGHTS come on (revealing only Mr. Lawrence’s office).
MR. LAWRENCE and MS. ROBERTS continue to kiss, oblivious to the sudden and significant change in atmosphere.
Pause.
Office door flings open, and MS. FLURRY rushes in.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence, the sky’s gone out!
MS. FLURRY sees MR. LAWRENCE and MS. ROBERTS embracing. MS. FLURRY stops and stands there.
Pause.
MS. FLURRY
Mr. Lawrence!
Slight pause.
MS. ROBERTS notices MS. FLURRY for the first time, then suddenly disengages herself from MR. LAWRENCE, who turns to MS. FLURRY with visible annoyance:
MR. LAWRENCE
All, right. Who is it now?
FADE OUT.
End of Act 1
Continues here in Act 2…
