A Civil War is Raging Between Jewish People
A rant inspired by comedian Chris Rock
Context
Chris Rock can joke about things related to his own race that a white comic can’t touch, and with hysterical, delightfully controversial results — epitomized by his classic “Civil War” skit.
Being Jewish, and the son of Holocaust survivors no less, I describe our own tribe’s schism through the lens of Rock’s timeless routine. Only this time, imagine a bald white guy in a leisure suit.
The quarrel described here not only fractures American Jewry now, but is a harbinger of deep fissures in the US-Iraeli alliance, and could even compromise Biden’s chances in November.
Humans across the planet tend to criticize and complain about those closest to us. Few relationships are more complex and contentious than with our own families and tribes.
Hopefully the feuding cousins here can some day reconcile. For that to happen, lasting peace will have to break out. Given the Middle East’s track record, wish us luck. Until then, we all fight.
Here goes…
There’s a lot of antisemitism going on in the world right now. Who’s more antisemitic? Non-Jews or Jews? Jewish people! You know why? Jewish people hate Jewish people, too. Everything non-Jews don’t like about Jewish people, Jewish people really don’t like about Jewish people.
Some heavy shit is going on with Jewish people, even more so than usual. It’s like a Civil War is going on between Jewish people, and two sides have formed: Jewish People Who Love Israel — and Militant Zionists. And the Militants Zionists have gotta go.
Every time Jewish People Who Love Israel criticize what the Israeli government is doing, ignorant ass Militant Zionists want to fuck it up. You can’t express an opinion about how the IDF is conducting this disastrous war in Gaza, without some ignorant ass Militant Zionist defending it.
Unable to handle two ideas at the same time, Militant Zionists can’t understand how the statements “Israel has the right to defend itself” and “the IDF doesn’t need to kill thousands of Palestinian children to do it” can both be true. Militant Zionists hate nuance, and like dead Palestinians.
Militant Zionists think everything Israel does is right, because they think everything they do is right. And anyone who disagrees with them is their enemy and Israel’s enemy — including their fellow Jews Who Love Israel who disagree with them, because Israel is fucking this war up.
It’s so bad these days that a Jew can’t go to a deli for lunch without getting into an argument with a Militant Zionist. “This is an awesome deli! They have such great food in here, that every time I bite into a pastrami sandwich on rye bread with coleslaw, I imagine the IDF nuking Rafah!”
Hey, I love Jewish people, but I hate Militant Zionists. Oh, do I hate Militant Zionists. I hate them so much I hope I’m allowed to join the Klu Klux Klan. I’ll do a drive by from here to a yeshiva in Brooklyn. Every time I argue with a Militant Zionist, I’m the Guns of New York City, I’m Super-Jew, TNT!
I’m tired of Militant Zionists. You can’t have an intelligent debate when you’re around Militant Zionists. If you have it, you gotta leave your brains and heart at the door. Why? Because their haughty self-righteousness and raging blood vengeance have annihilated common sense and compassion.
“Hear oh Israel, the Lord is Our God, the Lord is One” rant Militant Zionists, giving them carte blanche to believe and do whatever they want, all in the name of defending Israel from its many enemies. Why? Because Jews have been chosen, we are actually the victims, and Palestinians are subhuman.
Arabs are the worst of all races, and Jews are the best, doh. Who’s won the most Nobel Prizes? Which country has the most tech startups? Question for a namby-pamby Haaretz Jew: What was the GDP of Gaza before we destroyed 85% of it? Answer: the same as after we destroyed 85% of it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Damn, Moyshe! I’m tired of Militant Zionists. Tired, tired, tired, tired of Militant Zionists. And you know the worst thing about Militant Zionists? They cite the Holocaust to justify everything the Israeli government does, and label everyone who disagrees an antisemite or a self-loathing Jew.
Here’s proof: Because six million Jews were killed in the Holocaust, Israel has the right to exist. Therefore, anyone who threatens Israel must be destroyed by any means they choose — and anyone who disagrees with how they choose to destroy them supports six million Jews being killed in the Holocaust.
Therefore: If you agree with everything Israel says and does you’re OK. If you disagree with anything Israel says or does you are automatically a genocidal antisemitic maniac, just like 99.99% of the world who already hates the Jews. So it doesn’t even matter what Israel says or does. Right on.
“Hamas must be destroyed!” is the new rallying cry, justifying any and every action the IDF conducts in Gaza no matter how brutal, indiscriminate, or unnecessary —especially when combined with the corollary belief “All Palestinians are Hamas!” and its already catastrophic implications.
Jews Who Love Israel agree that Hamas has gotta go, the disagreement about how. Militant Zionists eagerly follow the 100x retaliatory playbook, the same one Hamas knew the IDF would use, resulting in the destruction of Gaza that has again made the Palestinian Cause front page news.
A good idea in warfare is to not do what your enemy wants you to do, which flies over the head and between the legs of Militant Zionists. Flattening most of Gaza and killing 1% of the population has triggered global anti-Israel/anti-American/anti-semitic rage, and put the whole region on edge.
Rather than conduct targeted attacks and seek diplomatic transformation, Israel has killed thousands of Palestinian civilians, displaced millions multiple times, and now starve them. Asked if that’s worth it, Militant Zionists cite the strategic prowess and boundless infallibility of the IDF.
The same Israeli Defense Forces who knew about the October 7th attack more than a year in advance, noticed unusual activity at the border hours before the invasion, waited twelve hours to respond, and likely inflicted a significant amount of unreported friendly fire when they finally did.
“I don’t see your medals!” they shout at us Jews Who Love Israel But Have Succumbed to Liberal Propaganda or Are Just Stupid. “You have no idea what it’s like there! This is war, Hamas must be destroyed, and the entire region of heathens must be taught a lesson so they never try that again.”
Don’t question Netanyahu, either, despite fragmenting and distracting Israeli society prior to the attacks, being warned of the security threat, enabling Qatar to send cash to Hamas as a hedge against the Palestinian Authority, while fortifying the West Bank instead of the Gaza border.
Yes, I’m tired of this shit. And you know the very worst thing about Militant Zionists? Nothing makes a Militant Zionist happier than blaming the Palestinians for everything. Peace has been impossible between Israel and the Palestinians, because it’s always always always entirely the Arabs’ fault.
Go ahead, ask a Militant Zionist a question: “Why does Israel continue to build settlements in the West Bank?” “I dunno that shit,” they’ll respond. “Keepin it real!” — and by “keeping it real” they mean “making a two state solution impossible because we don’t want to cede any land or power.”
Don’t bother arguing with a Militant Zionist, because they are convinced negotiating with the Palestinians is impossible. Any hint of Palestinian statehood is like kryptonite to a Militant Zionist — so all Israel can do is to get attacked every few years, then kill a bunch of Arabs, rinse and repeat.
I’m tired of this shit. Threat levels rising, Iran continues to capitalize on the growing chaos. Israeli defensive strategy from 1948, 1967, 1973 onward can no longer work, its enemies powerful to the point of posing an existential threat. Force alone can’t deter — only honest diplomacy works long term.
Meanwhile Militant Zionists sign 2,000 pound US-made bombs launched from US-made jets, headed for Gaza. Effervescing with zero empathy for crushed and disemboweled Palestinian children, Militant Zionists wear necklaces for the hostages, claiming more destruction will rescue them.
Jews Who Love Israel instead want to see the Biden Administration grow a pair, and agree with Schumer that Bibi must go. They criticize the IDF not because they hate Israel, but because they believe the country is acting against its own interests. Israel is weaker, Hamas ideology never stronger.
Contrary to what Militant Zionists claim, criticizing Israel is not supporting Hamas. A theocratic authoritarian mafia, Hamas has squandered billions in aid to build tunnels, buy rockets, and launch an attack that killed, mutiliated, raped, and kidnapped over a thousand left-leaning kibbutzim.
Iran and its proxies also embody a culture and society antithetical to enlightened values. Hezbollah along the Lebanese border has thousands of rockets poised to rain down on Israeli cities, and thousands of residents on both sides of the border have been forced to flee. Israel cannot relent.
So I see most of the Jews I grew up with, most of the generation who saw Israel as the struggling underdog instead of the imperial bully, looking at me. “Why you gotta say that?” they ask. “Why criticize our tribe?” The enemy is Hamas and their precedent, their goal Israel’s destruction.
Well, I don’t see Hamas standing in the way of peace right now — I see Netanyahu and his batshit crazy cabinet of rightwing maniacs. Israel is in the driver’s seat, as, frankly, they’ve been for decades. Half the population is Palestinian, they’re right there, and they aren’t going anywhere.
Stop the war. Stop building West Bank settlements. Partner with the same Arab countries you’ve struck peace and security deals with to start negotiating security and peace with the Palestinians who, thanks to the over-reaction of the IDF in Gaza, are now front and center in the region.
Hamas is done ruling Gaza, but the ideas that spawned and sustained them have only been magnified. Ask yourselves, Militant Zionists: have you killed more terrorists than you’ve created? The math is not on your side, and neither are the long-term odds. Israel must evolve, even if you won’t.
And ask yourselves, Militant Zionists: will unconditional American support of Israel indefinitely continue? The US demographic is changing, and with it blind bipartisan support. You think I’m a Hamas-loving Liberal Apologist Jew? I hate them, too. Regardless, the clock is ticking on US aid for Israel.
I bet you also think I’m naive, because the only language understood throughout the Middle East is force. When I say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting the same results, you want to kick my ass. I have my own strategies — you really a tough guy? Let’s take it outside.
After hours at the open mic show…
I hate Liberal Apologists, too…
Along with an archive of stand up routines…
And here’s Chris’ classic…
